Posted in #life, Lost love, Random musings, Writing

Scribbling Heart…

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I truly love the way you smiled, and I miss all those moments still. Each second of those nights I spent with you is captured in the eyes of my mind.

A photograph I will always keep and won’t let it fade. There is still something that is left between you and me and that is why I miss you so bad each night that it hurts and it kills. Whatever is left, I so want it to complete because I need a closing you know. The way you left kills me each moment wondering for all those answers you never gave to all those questions I wanted to ask and I never did. You and me I thought were meant to be but we weren’t and you leaving like that clearly tells me that, then why is it that my heart still beats? and it still keeps on reminding me each day of you and that love we had. The way things are right now and the way we are apart I wish it to end,really. My thoughts for you and our memories. To end it all and to end the pain. With each passing day I wish I never had met you or wish I never had loved you. But we did meet and I did love you and nothing in this world can change this. One thing I can change is my love for you. I still do love you but that’s my love to do and you have nothing to do with it. I wish you all the happiness in the world and I will let it be like that only. I will never again want to see you because I know it Deep down, if once and only once I will see you again, I will fall all over again, and you will hurt me same again and I swear to God, I am able to live right now with your thoughts but after that, that single confrontation with you,I won’t be able to carry those broken pieces again any more and that will be the end to me and I can’t let it happen, I can not let that happen again, not anymore because thought it’s late,but I have realised this that this life is precious than anything else, and I want to live and to love myself the way I loved you because I know I deserve that kind of love and it’s okay if it’s not you, that is totally fine. I wish you to be away from me and from my heart because I know the next time my heart beats with you in front, it won’t be able to leave you and I don’t want that to happen I want to love myself more than I loved you ever and I will let it happen. I am broken but I know how to pick my pieces and smile and I am doing that and will keep doing that until I feel I am not broken anymore until I feel I don’t love you any more, until I feel I don’t have to love you, until I know it’s alright not to have you  and that day and that day I will want to face you and smile, because that day I will know I can live without you, that too without being broken… until then I will keep moving ahead and not look back and not miss the way you smiled at me….the way I truly loved…And then I will look in the mirror and smile not with the lips but with the happiness in the eyes…for that is all that matters now and forever….

The Lost Soul

image: google

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Posted in #life, #Poetry, #void, Heart break, Lost love, Writing

Flesh and bones

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There is nothing left
Just this blankness
And this flesh and bones
I am dead
And still I live
With nothing but
This emptiness
A clone
Of what I used to be
My heart is nothing
But a thing that beats
And that keeps
Me alive in what I thought
Was your love
But it wasn’t that
But a web of lies
And deceits..

Sitting on this rooftop
I saw beneath
And I saw myself
Lying there
Covered in something
A pool
That is red
And my lips smirk
A crooked smile
My hands shake
A cigarette lit
This darkness I see
And a puff of smoke
This white cloud I am in
Intoxicating me within
Loosing my senses
Smoking some more
Between my purple lips…

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This nothingness I feel
What are we all I think
A thing
With some flesh and bones
What we do? Except
To exist and to breathe
Loosing
Drowning
Drowning
Loosing
In this thing called love
Am I dead?
Or I live?
Flying under the thousand stars
Living again
Touching the sky
And with each smoke
That I exhale
I am scattering you too
And your memories
Smoke by smoke
Puff and some more
I burn them
Will keep doing that
Keep burning
All of it
Until there is nothing left
In my heart
Or my mind
Neither the flesh
Nor the bones…

The Lost Soul

Image:Google

Posted in #life, #void, Heart break, Lost love, Random musings, Unsent letter, Writing

Epiphany???

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To the one who isn’t anymore in my life, who deserted me in the middle, on the crossroads. I thought you and I are We, Alas! I was wrong, wrong in believing you, you and your lies.
I still try to find in each song I hear that make me wonder, where I was at fault, and why it’s just me, why am I caught?  between my heart and my mind, nothing I can find.
There comes Tsunami of immense hurt and pain whenever I see that shirt, shirt which I keep close to my heart, that still smells like you..
I still try to find you at all the places we met, for a little by chance, a glimpse I May get?
Oh then this heart realise, you aren’t here, and we are between two different time and heart zones too. My heart aches for you and it aches to know, whether you miss me too?
And I answer to this question myself, no you don’t at all, because that love was a game, and it’s days were few.
You know, there is this stark contrast between the love of us two, yours lost all the charm and mine still shines like a golden dew..
You left me in between, like rain. Like rains leave the sky, never to return, and I won’t ever be the same again, and some nights and days too I feel this urge to tell you all of these emotions and feelings and oh! then I know, you won’t listen so all of this will go in vain and still, still baby, I want to feel your touch again to melt in you, but then I know this love have already melted like the snow..
My life seems like autumn, like each leaf falling I feel myself breaking into pieces so many.
Nights like these, I wish you to come back, but you wouldn’t have left, if you were to return.
I am not sad though, nor I am broken, and I am not going to run either, from the past, or you, or the reminiscence of you or me or us.
Us? Us is in the past now and I am going to deal with it anyhow.
I will come out if this gloom, and flowers will bloom. Wounds will be healed, scar will be there and they will be there with me, till the end. They will lead me to par, with my emotions, those make me more human.
I see the sun, and I know I will shine too..
To the one who deserted me in the darkest of nights, know I no longer am afraid of this darkness, I befriended it. And I no longer feel, it should be We…
To the one who left, Thank you for you made me, Me….

@thelostsoul 

image: Google 

Posted in #blogging, #life, Love, Unsent letter, Writing

Culmination… a letter

25A714F7-34C7-4EAB-9E53-A6EACAD87EBA.jpegLoving you was the most beautiful feeling I ever had and I can not deny, it still is. Though this can not change the other fact that it is the most hurting feeling, I ever felt too. I never thought love can do so much to anyone. But you did. Feeling all those things for you did.
When I fell for you, I was on my weakest, most vulnerable. I can not say it otherwise but yes, you are the one who made me, what I am.
From my most vulnerable to what I am now, I know I have become stronger.
Always hurting me with your words, making me beg for your love, I always believed in all the lies you said, And I always cursed me, over and over again. feeling i am the one who is wrong, i never did realise it was always you.
How many nights I have cried, I don’t really know, wanting it so bad to end. Waiting for these heartbeats to stop for once and for all. How many days I tried to end this life.
But then again your love, or the love I felt for you kept me going. And I kept on loving you like this is what I am supposed to do. And it took me so long to accept this fact that am not supposed to keep begging you for that love.  I never knew I will grow out of this feeling, But I did. 
I never realised I can love you and still move ahead because to wait for you is like to wait for all the stars in the galaxy to fall and that’s never gonna happen. When in a busy day, slightest of your memory used to fill my eyes, I didn’t cry at all when you said it’s over. And last night when you called and said all those things again,
I didn’t cry at all. Not a single tear, I didn’t curse my self again, I felt a calm. When you said this is the last time, I didn’t felt anything but a peace.
And I realised I am not supposed to cry over you. To love is the most beautiful feeling one can ever have and I am glad I know that feeling so well and oh! I pity you, you won’t know it. You won’t ever.
Move on is nothing but a myth. We never really move on from the one we love. Yes, to keep the memories, cherishing them is what I Am supposed to do not crying my eyes out.
To love is what we all are supposed to do… and me for one, I am full of oceans of love and I know that, its just that now I know, I need to love myself first and foremost and no one else really matters….

@thelostsoul

(image: Google)

Posted in #blogging, #void, Heart break, Lost love, Love, Writing

Reminiscences….

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You were always like this. And when I loved you, somewhere I knew, you won’t stay but I still loved you because I felt like I craved you for so long that even I don’t remember. You filled those empty parts of me, which I thought can’t ever be filled. And yet I knew you are a disaster I am falling into. And still I fell, for it was meant to be. If not, I wouldn’t have ever known the love, that hurt,  the pain, the feeling in tears, and still a smile on my lips, that you once touched them. You filled me and then emptied me again. Now the parts won’t be filled ever. I feel I can’t reach that level of saturation again.Now this Void will persist forever. You were here and now you aren’t. Like you are gone, and took this life out of me. I knew all of It and still, still I was there with you, loving you, giving all of me to you because it was meant to be, and because you,my love is the most hurting,yet most beautiful, ecstatic yet tormenting mistake of my life…. And I don’t regret an ounce of it for I loved you with all of my being, knowing what a destruction you are. I was ready to be destroyed not because I was stupid, but because destruction only creates, and somehow this love I still have is because, it was with you once, and it will be here in my heart always and forever….

@thelostsoul

Image: Google

 

Posted in #blogging, #life, Strength, Writing

Turn the pages…

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Life? What exactly is life? There is so much more in life then what we see. Life is beyond people we think are important, but they are not. Life is something we need to live and not just breathe.
There is a reason we are humans, else insects are breathing too.

A little late, but I am realising this. And learning the lessons of life bit by bit, new chapters each day. Life is about turning pages and trying to revise what we learned from the previous chapter.

Life is like different seasons and I thought it will always be harsh as winters. I forgot that it rains too. That flowers bloom after the winters. That spring comes in the city and it’s green and pink and red and yellow. Life is beautiful with or without any one. Life is something we need to look within us and instead of creating home outside, create a home within. Do not seek what you can find inside, and I am learning this.

It hurts in the nights still, but next day sun will rise and it will shine again making  that pain go numb. And it will disappear soon.

Night will be there but it will see a new dawn too, because that is inevitable. The ultimate truth is this, that the earth will still revolve and rotate and it can not be Night always. Or winter. And when we feel we are completely shattered, we start healing again. Life is about picking those shattered pieces, put them back, throw the useless one out, and make a masterpiece out of them again.

I learned this, I am still learning this. That’s why I am wandering. That’s why I am still, and everyone in one way or other is a lost soul, trying to find out what’s in life. Moving, falling, shattering, learning, healing but over all, living.

And I am what I am. And this is me..

The Lost Soul

Images: Pinterest

 

Posted in #void, Hope, Random musings, Strength, Writing

The feeling…that stays.

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Life goes on with or without anyone. Life doesn’t stop for anyone. Really? Is that so? Well life actually stops. I mean right, you live your life, you can’t stop doing that but there is something that’s missing and you can’t really help it. You miss the presence of that one person in your life. That person keeps on revolving in your mind day and night and midnight.

You wake up suddenly and there is this pain, you can’t help but cry. Because even in your sleep your mind kept wandering and reaching out to those parts you tried to hide somewhere. They reach out to you  and then the wounds and it hit you exactly in the guts and you feel helpless and broke. You can’t do anything about it.

Life moves on. Right. It’s just you that stops and stuck and shackled.

Even though I came back, I can’t return completely because I just can not. Though I won’t stop trying.

And I will keep on fighting each day with myself.
I don’t need anybody but me and I am learning this each day.

Like the sun and the moon and the star, I will Shine with my own light and I will have my heat and I will burn this world to ashes…to create my own.

Till then I will be Me..and I am enough.. I will be there..and I will find me..
Until then
I am

The Lost Soul

Image : artpal.com (Google)