Falling into Nihility….

Waking up each day
With the same darkness
That keeps on emptying
Whatever that is in me
All that is left
Feeling hollow

My heart sinks within
All I can see is black
And everything else
Is just blank
All the colours faded
They are fading still
Vanishing, as in an eclipse 

Like water evaporates
Happiness is all gone
This sadness engulfs me
The clock is ticking
Tick and tock
When will it be over
It’s killing
It’s killing
Why isn’t ending?
Why am I still living?
This pain
It’s enduring
This hurt
My heart
I want to leave
It’s not going

Let it go
Let it go
This lingering pain
It won’t leave
It will stay
Night and day
My eyes
They hurt
With all the rain
Everything is blur
I can’t see the light

The light?
Follow it
The voice says
I can’t
Deeper and deeper
I sink
Crumbling down in this ocean
Oh this abyss
This void
And in this murkiness
I sleep
Only to wake up
Each day
With nothing more
But this inanition
This vacuum
How it feels in this hollowness?

Blankness gawking at me
Me looking into
This barrenness
And I see me from far ahead
Like a shadow
Staring at my life, &
There I see nothing
But nihility…..

The Lost Soul

IMAGE: The truth Ache (google)

I wish..

It’s been long I posted something. This lost soul was lost and still Is. I don’t know if anyone even remembers me or not.

There was this darkness I was in, I am still in.From last few months I was suffering from depression, I was doing all sorts of things to keep myself sane and

Nothing really was helping. I thought I will be fine but nothing was really fine because every day I was waking up with the same darkness and the same void. Everything seemed like nothing and that nothingness was becoming my solace.

I wasn’t able to write. Nothing was really coming into my mind.

I was blank and numb. I never thought I will let myself in this phase. This was and still is the darkest phase of my life. I am not finding any ray of hope.

I don’t know how I will be able to cope up but this blog helped me earlier and I think this will help me this time too.

I just hope I will be able to write here. Or just write.

I hope I could find myself.

I just wish.

I only can.

The Lost Soul

Scribbling Heart…

I truly love the way you smiled, and I miss all those moments still. Each second of those nights I spent with you is captured in the eyes of my mind.

A photograph I will always keep and won’t let it fade. There is still something that is left between you and me and that is why I miss you so bad each night that it hurts and it kills. Whatever is left, I so want it to complete because I need a closing you know. The way you left kills me each moment wondering for all those answers you never gave to all those questions I wanted to ask and I never did. You and me I thought were meant to be but we weren’t and you leaving like that clearly tells me that, then why is it that my heart still beats? and it still keeps on reminding me each day of you and that love we had. The way things are right now and the way we are apart I wish it to end,really. My thoughts for you and our memories. To end it all and to end the pain. With each passing day I wish I never had met you or wish I never had loved you. But we did meet and I did love you and nothing in this world can change this. One thing I can change is my love for you. I still do love you but that’s my love to do and you have nothing to do with it. I wish you all the happiness in the world and I will let it be like that only. I will never again want to see you because I know it Deep down, if once and only once I will see you again, I will fall all over again, and you will hurt me same again and I swear to God, I am able to live right now with your thoughts but after that, that single confrontation with you,I won’t be able to carry those broken pieces again any more and that will be the end to me and I can’t let it happen, I can not let that happen again, not anymore because thought it’s late,but I have realised this that this life is precious than anything else, and I want to live and to love myself the way I loved you because I know I deserve that kind of love and it’s okay if it’s not you, that is totally fine. I wish you to be away from me and from my heart because I know the next time my heart beats with you in front, it won’t be able to leave you and I don’t want that to happen I want to love myself more than I loved you ever and I will let it happen. I am broken but I know how to pick my pieces and smile and I am doing that and will keep doing that until I feel I am not broken anymore until I feel I don’t love you any more, until I feel I don’t have to love you, until I know it’s alright not to have you  and that day and that day I will want to face you and smile, because that day I will know I can live without you, that too without being broken… until then I will keep moving ahead and not look back and not miss the way you smiled at me….the way I truly loved…And then I will look in the mirror and smile not with the lips but with the happiness in the eyes…for that is all that matters now and forever….

The Lost Soul

image: google

Flesh and bones

There is nothing left
Just this blankness
And this flesh and bones
I am dead
And still I live
With nothing but
This emptiness
A clone
Of what I used to be
My heart is nothing
But a thing that beats
And that keeps
Me alive in what I thought
Was your love
But it wasn’t that
But a web of lies
And deceits..

Sitting on this rooftop
I saw beneath
And I saw myself
Lying there
Covered in something
A pool
That is red
And my lips smirk
A crooked smile
My hands shake
A cigarette lit
This darkness I see
And a puff of smoke
This white cloud I am in
Intoxicating me within
Loosing my senses
Smoking some more
Between my purple lips…

This nothingness I feel
What are we all I think
A thing
With some flesh and bones
What we do? Except
To exist and to breathe
Loosing
Drowning
Drowning
Loosing
In this thing called love
Am I dead?
Or I live?
Flying under the thousand stars
Living again
Touching the sky
And with each smoke
That I exhale
I am scattering you too
And your memories
Smoke by smoke
Puff and some more
I burn them
Will keep doing that
Keep burning
All of it
Until there is nothing left
In my heart
Or my mind
Neither the flesh
Nor the bones…

The Lost Soul

Image:Google

Epiphany???

To the one who isn’t anymore in my life, who deserted me in the middle, on the crossroads. I thought you and I are We, Alas! I was wrong, wrong in believing you, you and your lies.
I still try to find in each song I hear that make me wonder, where I was at fault, and why it’s just me, why am I caught?  between my heart and my mind, nothing I can find.
There comes Tsunami of immense hurt and pain whenever I see that shirt, shirt which I keep close to my heart, that still smells like you..
I still try to find you at all the places we met, for a little by chance, a glimpse I May get?
Oh then this heart realise, you aren’t here, and we are between two different time and heart zones too. My heart aches for you and it aches to know, whether you miss me too?
And I answer to this question myself, no you don’t at all, because that love was a game, and it’s days were few.
You know, there is this stark contrast between the love of us two, yours lost all the charm and mine still shines like a golden dew..
You left me in between, like rain. Like rains leave the sky, never to return, and I won’t ever be the same again, and some nights and days too I feel this urge to tell you all of these emotions and feelings and oh! then I know, you won’t listen so all of this will go in vain and still, still baby, I want to feel your touch again to melt in you, but then I know this love have already melted like the snow..
My life seems like autumn, like each leaf falling I feel myself breaking into pieces so many.
Nights like these, I wish you to come back, but you wouldn’t have left, if you were to return.
I am not sad though, nor I am broken, and I am not going to run either, from the past, or you, or the reminiscence of you or me or us.
Us? Us is in the past now and I am going to deal with it anyhow.
I will come out if this gloom, and flowers will bloom. Wounds will be healed, scar will be there and they will be there with me, till the end. They will lead me to par, with my emotions, those make me more human.
I see the sun, and I know I will shine too..
To the one who deserted me in the darkest of nights, know I no longer am afraid of this darkness, I befriended it. And I no longer feel, it should be We…
To the one who left, Thank you for you made me, Me….

@thelostsoul 

image: Google 

Culmination… a letter

Loving you was the most beautiful feeling I ever had and I can not deny, it still is. Though this can not change the other fact that it is the most hurting feeling, I ever felt too. I never thought love can do so much to anyone. But you did. Feeling all those things for you did.
When I fell for you, I was on my weakest, most vulnerable. I can not say it otherwise but yes, you are the one who made me, what I am.
From my most vulnerable to what I am now, I know I have become stronger.
Always hurting me with your words, making me beg for your love, I always believed in all the lies you said, And I always cursed me, over and over again. feeling i am the one who is wrong, i never did realise it was always you.
How many nights I have cried, I don’t really know, wanting it so bad to end. Waiting for these heartbeats to stop for once and for all. How many days I tried to end this life.
But then again your love, or the love I felt for you kept me going. And I kept on loving you like this is what I am supposed to do. And it took me so long to accept this fact that i am not supposed to keep begging you for that love.  I never knew I will grow out of this feeling, But I did. 
I never realised I can love you and still move ahead because to wait for you is like to wait for all the stars in the galaxy to fall and that’s never gonna happen. When in a busy day, slightest of your memory used to fill my eyes, I didn’t cry at all when you said it’s over. And last night when you called and said all those things again,
I didn’t cry at all. Not a single tear, I didn’t curse my self again, I felt a calm. When you said this is the last time, I didn’t felt anything but a peace.
And I realised I am not supposed to cry over you. To love is the most beautiful feeling one can ever have and I am glad I know that feeling so well and oh! I pity you, you won’t know it. You won’t ever.
Move on is nothing but a myth. We never really move on from the one we love. Yes, to keep the memories, cherishing them is what I Am supposed to do not crying my eyes out.
To love is what we all are supposed to do… and me for one, I am full of oceans of love and I know that, its just that now I know, I need to love myself first and foremost and no one else really matters….

@thelostsoul

(image: Google)

Reminiscences….

You were always like this. And when I loved you, somewhere I knew, you won’t stay but I still loved you because I felt like I craved you for so long that even I don’t remember. You filled those empty parts of me, which I thought can’t ever be filled. And yet I knew you are a disaster I am falling into. And still I fell, for it was meant to be. If not, I wouldn’t have ever known the love, that hurt,  the pain, the feeling in tears, and still a smile on my lips, that you once touched them. You filled me and then emptied me again. Now the parts won’t be filled ever. I feel I can’t reach that level of saturation again.Now this Void will persist forever. You were here and now you aren’t. Like you are gone, and took this life out of me. I knew all of It and still, still I was there with you, loving you, giving all of me to you because it was meant to be, and because you,my love is the most hurting,yet most beautiful, ecstatic yet tormenting mistake of my life…. And I don’t regret an ounce of it for I loved you with all of my being, knowing what a destruction you are. I was ready to be destroyed not because I was stupid, but because destruction only creates, and somehow this love I still have is because, it was with you once, and it will be here in my heart always and forever….

@thelostsoul

Image: Google

 

Turn the pages…

Life? What exactly is life? There is so much more in life then what we see. Life is beyond people we think are important, but they are not. Life is something we need to live and not just breathe.
There is a reason we are humans, else insects are breathing too.

A little late, but I am realising this. And learning the lessons of life bit by bit, new chapters each day. Life is about turning pages and trying to revise what we learned from the previous chapter.

Life is like different seasons and I thought it will always be harsh as winters. I forgot that it rains too. That flowers bloom after the winters. That spring comes in the city and it’s green and pink and red and yellow. Life is beautiful with or without any one. Life is something we need to look within us and instead of creating home outside, create a home within. Do not seek what you can find inside, and I am learning this.

It hurts in the nights still, but next day sun will rise and it will shine again making  that pain go numb. And it will disappear soon.

Night will be there but it will see a new dawn too, because that is inevitable. The ultimate truth is this, that the earth will still revolve and rotate and it can not be Night always. Or winter. And when we feel we are completely shattered, we start healing again. Life is about picking those shattered pieces, put them back, throw the useless one out, and make a masterpiece out of them again.

I learned this, I am still learning this. That’s why I am wandering. That’s why I am still, and everyone in one way or other is a lost soul, trying to find out what’s in life. Moving, falling, shattering, learning, healing but over all, living.

And I am what I am. And this is me..

The Lost Soul

Images: Pinterest

 

The feeling…that stays.

Life goes on with or without anyone. Life doesn’t stop for anyone. Really? Is that so? Well life actually stops. I mean right, you live your life, you can’t stop doing that but there is something that’s missing and you can’t really help it. You miss the presence of that one person in your life. That person keeps on revolving in your mind day and night and midnight.

You wake up suddenly and there is this pain, you can’t help but cry. Because even in your sleep your mind kept wandering and reaching out to those parts you tried to hide somewhere. They reach out to you  and then the wounds and it hit you exactly in the guts and you feel helpless and broke. You can’t do anything about it.

Life moves on. Right. It’s just you that stops and stuck and shackled.

Even though I came back, I can’t return completely because I just can not. Though I won’t stop trying.

And I will keep on fighting each day with myself.
I don’t need anybody but me and I am learning this each day.

Like the sun and the moon and the star, I will Shine with my own light and I will have my heat and I will burn this world to ashes…to create my own.

Till then I will be Me..and I am enough.. I will be there..and I will find me..
Until then
I am

The Lost Soul

Image : artpal.com (Google)

Random Ruminations

When you are broken and broken beyond repair, you are hurt and are in despair. But loving that someone doesn’t change. Being broken into so many pieces and still loving that same person is something way beyond the control of heart. I always hear people saying move on, it’s okay. Leave. But what’s the point in letting go and moving on from that one person you felt you gave your soul to? How could you just move on from that love that you felt is eternal? And that is unexplainable. How broken you feel, how bad it hurts, you just keep holding on and somehow that is giving you purpose to live and to breathe and to exist.

You let yourself break to the saturation of breaking and it’s okay. It’s okay to be hurt. I know making any one person that much important is not a good thing but why not? I say. You loved that person and now just because that person isn’t loving you back you leave that love? It’s not called one sided love, it’s just love & it’s loving that person from a distance, and that is completely fine.
Does a poet ever stop admiring moon because the moon doesn’t respond to his words? No,right. Then how can one person stop loving another when it’s a connection beyond explanation. A connection that is felt and have no words.

I somehow have learned to live and to move forward, taking the pieces with me and no matter what I will carry them.
If that’s how it is then it is. And there are days when it will hurt like hell but then what’s the purpose of even living when you can’t accept the pain of your broken pieces? You tend to love and live in that one person. And I am doing just that. Because somehow you can’t Unlove, somehow that’s how it is meant to be.

And here I am again with all the boggling thoughts.

Thank you for being so patient and reading.

I am broken to be healed, I am lost to be found. And I will be found, till then.. let me be..

The Lost Soul

And I am here Again…

I don’t know what to say, where to start. It’s been so many days I was away. It’s kind of strange feeling when I am typing. Oh I missed this. The blog. To write. All of you.
I need to apologise for the break I took. I thought it was the end but it wasn’t. And I am back here. I am sorry for not responding. I am sorry for stupid me. But I needed it. I needed to be away so bad.

Everything isn’t sorted yet but I am sure it will. In time. Time won’t heal I still believe that but then even though it’s not healing it’s making me believe that the pain will go. Even if it won’t it’s okay I will have the strength to bear that. To go on and moving forward with that pain.

It’s spring season. Our life is just like these seasons isn’t it?
Like winters we feel piercing cold inside our souls, someone’s presence or absence like rain? The ache like burning hot summer and then the hope of everything to be better like blooming of flowers again…

I wish to have blossoming flowers once again, I want to dance in the rain again, I want to live again.

I can’t thank enough of all the people who reached out to me and stood by me in the time I needed them the most. And those too who tried to gave me some Karma preachings.. thank you too.

I can’t name all but who are close to my heart, knows it and to them a big hug and lots of love.

I am here to stay. I am here to write. I am here to search for my answers I am here to Learn. Yes I am here and I won’t leave.

I am lost but I will find and I know I will..

Till then
Let it be
Let me be

The Lost Soul

PS: The credit of this beautiful blooming flower goes to my dearest Diana.. she is one of my biggest strength. An angel to me. My backbone. I love you Di ❤️

/p><<<<
gt;

The End.

My life is going on a roller coaster ride these days. There is so much going inside my head and my heart with a tornado constantly taking me up inside. I am giving up. I just can’t take it anymore.
There’s so much in life we tend to ignore. Life is more than this. Life is more than love. Life is more than him. Okay, I get it. But for me he is my life. Period.
There is nothing more important for me than him and that’s the truth I can’t ignore. And that’s the thing I can’t explain.
My life is a living hell these days. I am struggling to survive and I am exhausted of existing.I feel that I can’t write anything but love and pain. I am tired of hearing that Time will heal. Fuck. Time is killing me.

It’s over for me.

There are moments in a day when I just start crying and I can’t stop. Sometimes at nights I start screaming. And I am tired of anyone not hearing them.

It’s the end. For me.

I am finally giving up everything. I guess for a while. There is nothing I can write/or think/ or do.

This is a goodbye to you all. I wish I could come back. I will try.

Is this a break or not? I don’t know.

There I lay..like my dreams…in pieces..shattered..

I am giving up on me.

This pain will end..only when I end.

This lost soul is lost forever and it can not be found.
I tried and I tried and I am still..

The Lost Soul.

#The Words Unsaid.

I don’t mind the day you know. Though it’s not easy to wake up without knowing the feeling that you aren’t in my life anymore. But then it’s okay. I don’t mind waking up to another day to breathe and to live.. to try at least to exist, somehow in a way.Been trying that since the day you left. Counting the infinite seconds that went by without listening to your voice. How in love you used to call me and we would talk for hours straight.
Now all I have is to wait.
To wait for this clock to stop clicking. To wait for this heart to stop beating. But it clicks and I, well here I am.. still..
Days just went by, but nights. I dread the nights. The moment I see the sun setting beyond that horizon, a darkness start creeping up my mind and my heart is in a haze.Nights make me weak, it makes me vulnerable. Nights are tormenting, they make me miss all those nights we spent under the moon, in the rains. I see the stars in the sky and I miss your twinkling eyes. I see the moon in the clouds and miss your bright face. I see you among them. And I see us beneath. Embraced. Entangled. And then the whole world comes crashing down because all this while it was just me, trying to search for you. Trying to look out for you once more. May be I will see you. Or you will find me.

Looking at our pictures. A shiver went down my spine. I realised this will never happen again. This was something in the past, this isn’t happening in the present, how anguishing is the thought the chances of these pictures are not there in the future. You and me together. Happy. Will
You hold me like that? Will you pick me up in your arms one more time? Please? Will you please come back? I will hold you. I promise I won’t leave. I promise I won’t let you go. Because I just can’t. I can’t. You said you will stay. You said you won’t leave. But you didn’t. But you left.

You hated my tears didn’t you? They never appeared before you. Now they won’t go. Please come baby, make them stop. It hurts. It hurts so much.

I want to hate you. Hate you so much. Oh but I just can not. Because my love for you is stronger than any other feeling. My love for you will always be more than hate. Will you come? Will you be here? I don’t know.I have questions so many, answers none. Answers, I don’t want to know. I will stay though, I am staying. I will wait. I will wait for you to come till In the Desert.. it will snow.

The Lost Soul

Jasper & Love.

They feared him
Not uttering a word
When he roared
The World Bowed
Silence creeping out the bones
Mouths shut
Eyes low
And among them
there he saw
Her.
Charismatic
Attractive
Fire in her eyes
Seeing through him
And his eyes
Drilling deep into his soul
Like a thunder
She was lightening
A gleam
His heart was shuddering
Looking at her ecstatic face
Something in him flickered..
Love?
It can not be
He is made for everything
But love
Oh! But there was something
Staggering about her.

Thoughts
Deep
In a trance
Quiet in his room
Putting that weight aside
His mind went on a ride
His heart beats collide
There she was
Again
The hands which were heavy
With the gun
Wanted to hold
A pen
To write for her
His Poetry
They wanted to hold
A brush
To draw her
His painting
Oh he did!
Eyes closed
He drew her
An outline
On the canvas
Intricately
Like she was there
Alive
His angel
His love
He is in love
The world haven’t seen
Yet,
This side
The angry face
Learning to smile
Thinking of her
All this while
It is love?
What else it can be?
Yes, he is in love
The thorn
Will have a rose
The black will turn white
From darkness into light
Yes he is in love
Love did find him
The enigmatic met the ecstatic
So called devil
Met an angel
His emotions melting
Like saccharine
Jasper, not anymore
The Black Thorn Klein.

The Lost Soul.

PS: To read Other two poems on Jasper you can go Jasper “The Black Thorn” Klein and Jasper, The Beginning.

I do.

I believe in magic
That some day you will see
And you will find
My love and Me
That at some point in time
You will know
How it hurts
I am yours but you aren’t mine
I believe in something
A kind of power
That one day you will fall
In love with me, again
Like you were before
That day it will rain
For this time it will be for ever
I believe in my love
That it is true
Only for you, ending never
It’s not easy
But I believe in us
That you will soon see me
Somewhere
And you will come
Close to me
Oh yes love
I believe in miracles
I believe in fairy tale
You will hold my hand
And take me to
A far away land
Where we’ll be in love
Beyond eternity
Yes baby
Till infinity..
I believe
I believe in dreams
Yes I do
For all of this I said
Are nothing
But my fragments
Of you and our memories
Etched in my heart
With your love
In my blood
Like a shadow
It won’t leave
Like a tattoo
It won’t fade
Even if it will
It’ll leave a mark
On my skin
No I can’t
I can’t win
Over this
Of your eyes
Of that smile
Oh this pain
Of this scar
Why are you away

why didn’t you stay?
Why can’t you love me?
Why are you this far?

Of all of these dreams
I am now made
Nothing of me
Something of you
Yes even then I still do
I believe in love
& I love you…

The Lost Soul.

Image: Google